Fighting for custody of your children is probably going to be one of the most excruciatingly painful aspects of filing for divorce. Many couples argue over this even more than they do about who will get the house, car, kitchen appliances, and business property. You will need to know what to expect when you decide to fight for rights to have your children live with you.One thing that may happen during the custody battle is that your spouse may stir up lies behind your back, and even in front of you. They will tell social workers involved any little piece of dirt they can to make you look bad because they think that desecrating your character will help them gain control of the situation.
It may or may not work, and it doesn’t matter whether or not what that other person says about you is true or whether it is false. They are just out to hurt you because your marriage didn’t work out, and they want to do whatever they can to make sure you don’t get to keep the kids. This is not true all the time, but is true in many cases.
The ironic fact, however, is that the ones who are the least competent are the ones who end up losing the custody battle. The reason why is the courts figure if that person cannot tell the truth, or if they do not demonstrate the ability to take care of a child, all that hot air they speak against you most likely will be for nothing.
This may be an extremely nerve-wrecking time for those of you who know you are capable of taking care of a child. Likewise, you may end up feeling quite a bit of anxiety about the fact that you may have to raise a child completely on your own. However, as long as you know that you can take care of a child you will be more than fair competition against your ex.
The court will decide in the best interest of your children who will be the primary caregiver, and where your child may live. Some useful terms you may want to know when it comes time to fight for custody of your children include the following:
- Custody Petition: This is the act of filing for custody of your children, which is separate from filing for a divorce. You would start this petition either before, during, or after you file for divorce. You can talk to your lawyer about the specifics of filing for the right to have a say in what goes on in your child’s life.
- Hearing: Very similar to a hearing. This is a meeting between two parents and legal representatives who will help decide who will have what rights to the children. If the case is decided in this custody hearing it will not have to go to trial.
- Joint Custody: Many custody cases are decided this way, which means that both parents have the child living with them at different times. Sometimes the child lives with one parent during the week and then with the other on the weekend. Other times the child alternates staying at a child’s house for a week. If one child’s parent lives out of state, however, that child may have to stay at one parent’s house during the school year and at another house during the summer. Usually if both parents are proven to be competent the court usually awards this type of custody. Also, if both parents do not wish to withhold their rights for the other parent to see the child joint custody would be the way to go.
- Partial Custody: One type of custody determines at what times either or both of the parents have legal say in the child’s life, as well as who has physical placement of the child. Partial custody is when that right is divided between two parents.
- Physical Placement: This term is used to describe where the child’s primary home will be. Even though the child lives in the home with one parent the other parent may still be able to arrange visitations and spend time with the child, and even have the child overnight. It all depends upon each individual case.
- Mediation: This word applies to the meeting set up between the parents and a legal representative who will help the parents come to a legal agreement regarding all aspects of child custody. This hope is that two parents can come to an agreement during this time and not have to go to court.
- Physical Placement: This is where the child lives a majority of the time.
- Sole Custody: One parent has total responsibility legally and financially regarding the child’s welfare and that child lives with this parent all the time. The other parent is not involved at all, unless given permission by the parent with total custody, which is called sole custody.
- Trial: A meeting before a judge is sometimes used to decide child custody cases. This meeting is in court and often involves the use of a lawyer. A trial can decide many aspects of child custody, such as how much child support should be paid out and so forth.
- Child Support: A monthly payment which is designated to be sent by one parent to another. Usually the support is paid by the one who sees the child less. This helps offset the expenses the primary caregiver will have to pay in order to feed, clothe, education, and care for that child (or more than one child). Additional payments sometimes are also assigned to the non-custodial parent as well, such as alimony or maintenance. You can ask your lawyer about all of these different payments received by the custodial parent.
Hopefully this article has helped prepare you for the unpleasant necessity of fighting for your child. You can also read other articles pertaining to different topics of divorce in order to learn about the entire process.
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
mark 09.08.09 at 8:35 pm
yes, my wife left me and fled to another state, with my child after a heated arguement. I begged for her to come back home, with my child. she refused. Than, i begged to bring my child home. She refused. So, i filed for custody. well, on the same day, so did she.
Now, it seems kind of funny, she leaves, refuses to come back, than goes and files for custody? uh, what just happened? Its so obvious in her lieing petition (on the fact she already has 3 different kids to 3 different fathers) what shes trying to do to me. Hopefully, everyone will see thru her BS. My child is only 2 months old, she doesnt deserve this. I will be fileing for divorce period. I didnt do anything wrong except try to be a good dad. As far as my Dud for a wife….she will be removed like cancer. I honestly dont care if shes my babies mother or not..what she is doing isnt right and should be straight out illegal.
veena bateman 07.22.10 at 6:47 pm
I can’t afford a lawyer to get my 16 year old daughter back from my ex.She said she will stay with him.EX ask for sole and child support.I just want her to stay with sometime.NEED ADVISE.
Tou Lee 07.11.11 at 1:40 pm
I will be getting primary placement of my kids b/c my ex had left the state and according to the GAL, it is not best interest of the child to go with her. If my ex live in different state, and if I were to move to another state due employement or school. Will she has the right to file for custody and win? We have share-custody but primary placement is with me. Need advise..thank you !!
Patricia Kidwell 08.12.11 at 1:34 am
I have a wonderful six year daughter for whom I have lost complete custody of. A few months ago I decided that my party life style was more important then the relationship between my daughter and I. I allowed for the negative influences to take over my life and I lost track of what being a parent is about. I am now greatly suffering from the mistakes I made. The father of our child was granted temporary legal physical custody of our child leaving me with visitation as he sees fit until our next court date. I will admit that I was not fit to be a primary caregiver for a few months but I quickly realized that life without my daughter was not the way that I wanted life to be. Now at this point I do not know where I stand in this battle. I want my daughter with me but I am unable to afford the legal services that it takes to fight a winning battle. Her father is fortunate enough to have a wealthy family for whom will provide as much support as possible. If there is anyone out there who reads this and can give me some advise on where I should begin and end I would greatly appreciate it. I despertley need the help.. please contact me at kidwelltricia@yahoo.com!
james ludwig 09.27.11 at 4:27 pm
I am disabled and cannot afford a lawyer for a custody hearing i have next thursday and i dont know what to so any suggestions
judy lynne 10.06.11 at 9:03 pm
i’m going to a custody hearing this tues against my grandaughters father, my daughter is in prison & hes making things 1,000 x’s worse! eva is only 3 1/2 and she told her mother at a visit that her dads g/f hit her with a belt so i reported it & filed for my daughters half of joint custody and my daughter sent a noterized form . does anyone think i’ll get it ? eva has lived here most of her life.
Jeff Anonymous 12.04.11 at 3:59 am
Where do I begin?? Last year, 4th of July weekend, My spouse had a seziure around 1-2 am before we were to go on our family vacation to Assateague Island in Maryland. She seemed mentally coherent enough to remember her name, social security #, mine, where she was. But she kept rambling on saying ‘I fell, I hurt my head, a need a drink’. I offered to call an ambulance. She said she’d divorce me if I did. I tried to calm her down and offered her a drink of water and a tylenol PM hoping it would calm her down as relieve her swollen forehead. Apparently she slipped on an ice cube and smacked her head on the corner of a pull out freezer drawer. Her condition worsened and I told her she’d have to fill the divorce papers out after I saved her life by calling the paramedics.
When the ambulance arrived I told the paramedic I wasn’t sure why she was having seziures and not making sense anymore. Told them about the tylenol pm and that I suspected it was an adverse reaction to the 6-7 different medications, one of which was provigil she had recently started taking a week or so ago.
Luckily they took her around 5am before our kids awoke. I had my parents come to take the kids up to their house and went to the hospital where she was admitted.
When I got there she looked like she got hit by a car from flailing around the house. The doctors seemed to act strangely when I asked if they’d known what was wrong. Turns out it was an adverse reaction to a drug after all. COKE!!! I was so upset and shocked I had to leave her side once I was finished speaking with them.
I took the kids on vacation and tried my best not to freak them out. My daughter knew something wasn’t right when I began weeping after I thought they were asleep. I didn’t tell them what happened because I knew they would be better off not knowing. The vacation was a much better distraction than sitting at the home where my spouse nearly OD’d. It was hard but I did what I thought would be best for the children. Since then she’s had wicked mood swings.. accused me of abusing drugs myself, infidelity, mental abuse.. Basically projecting all of her flaw onto me. About 3-4 months ago she became furious we were low on funds because of credit card debt. Grabbed me by my hair with both hands and shook my head until I could hear cracking and crunching in my neck. I broke free from her grasp and ran like hell. Slept in my car for 3 days and shaved my head in the parking lot at work. Since that attack my neck and left shoulder gradually became more and more uncomfortable.
1 1/2 months ago I was renovating our first floor for an open floor plan to make the modest home we own look more spacious for prospective buyers next year. That was the straw that ‘broke’ my back. I had a pinched nerve from a herniated disc right above my shoulders in my c5-6 area. Had to undergo spinal surgery and returned home the next day.
After a meal of soft food my throat was pounding because they had to make the initial incision in the front right side of my neck. So, instead of trying to swallow my prescribed oxy? 5mg IR whole I crushed it to put in my drink. She walked into the kitchen, saw me there with a crushed pill on a plate, a glass of soda and a straw. Flipped out and accused me of snorting my pills and took the kids to her friends house. She grabbed a 12 pack of beer before she got there. My 9 year old daughter told me once they had returned to the home that her ‘friends’ were egging her on, telling her she should leave me. My daughter also told me my spouse had 4-5 beers at their house in 1-2 hours time and got right back into the car with BOTH MY 9 year old and my 4 year old son driving wrecklessly back to our home. I didn’t take anymore medicince after I’d place the medicine in my drink at 5pm. It was 7:30pm and she was screaming at me calling me a druggie and she was going to divorce me blaring ‘hate you’ music downstairs while my daughter and I talked about what was going on. I began to pack my clothes and my daughter helped pack up both her and her brothers clothes. I threw them out the window.. so much for taking it easy after surgery. I came back downstairs by this time she’d had 2-3 more drinks and was worse than before. I demanded my keys to the station wagon. She stated I’d have to call the cops if I wanted them back. They got there by 9:10 and hauled her away kicking and screaming. I took my kids to my dads the next day since she wasn’t allowed back until the next day. for 4 days I spent time making sure the children were alright and filled out a PFA against her to have her evicted so it would be safe for my children and I to return to ‘OUR’ own home.
Since then children and youth have interviewed the children seperately and I respectively. What I want to know is. HOW THE #ELL didn’t she go to jail???? Since the 23rd she’s accused me of all sorts of BS to her friends and family. The bruises she had gotten from tussling with the police were ‘supposedly’ inflicted by me according to a family member on her side!! Luckily they know she’s had alot of mental problems in the past and more so recently and had the good sense to contact the authorities to confirm her lies. All I can say is THIS SUCKS!!! I WANT THE WOMAN I MARRIED 12 years ago back and I dont think she’s in there anymore. After my PFA hearing I plan on getting individual counseling for myslef and my kids and possibly group counseling as well to make sure we don’t lose our minds through all of this. I don’t want to take the kids away from her for good. But I’ll be damned if I let her take them before she gets the drug and alcohol counseling she needs let alone the psychiatric help as well.
Cathy 12.18.11 at 9:54 pm
I have been going through a custody battle with my son’s father who refused to return him from a summer stay. After my son being there for over 6 months the courts decided they had jurisdiction because son’s father filed for custody stating and signing legal court suit that no other person in any other state by order of any other state had custody of the said child. I have had custody since the father also took me to court in 2002 and was denied any custody, giving me Sole custody due to the father had a past history with the the same court some years before that involved all 3 children being removed from his home, and custody was revoked by him and the childrens paternal mother due to neglect, drug and alcohol abuse and other legal issues with a history of pattern. The oldest child was placed in Charter Hospital and committed suicide while in there care at the age of 12 yrs old. So when he filed for custody against me again, he lied to his attorney, the therapist, the school principal and authorities and also the courts. Not that I have handled everything that has arrived from my son basically being stolen from me and every right even to visit with my son in or out of the state they live in has been something to be proud of…it has not. I have never been so appalled by our legal system and those who play a part in the custody case at present. A father who after 10 yrs of having nor taking any responsibility to his son gets a chance to be there for his son at an age that he really needs his father…fails him by doing anything and everything to destroy the bond and relationship that my son and I have had since before his birth. The fear, the confusion, the fact he has no idea who to believe and trust. The verbal assasination placed on my character and person let alone the things my son has been told just to place distance and dislike upon our son. He has been forced to deny his feelings for me, show them, tell me anything for fear its something he has been told not to say or he will face punishment. His father and his girlfriend are daily drinkers and my son has been in 3 car accts this year although minor, his father refused to take him to been checked out after being pretty roughed up after one of those accidents. Their idea of disipline is to shove a bar of soap in his mouth, with hot sauce and whipped with a belt. Not allowed to speak with me or any family on the phone either. All our calls are on speaker phone and we are given no private time at all for over a year. He has been told I am homeless, unfit and doing drugs, cant take care of myself, him or even a dog I had to give up and used against me with our son to make him angry and disappointed in me, not giving me the time to tell him about it . I have court in January and I can only hope Justice is served and my son returned to me immediately and actions taken to assure this never happens again to harm our son and his security ever again. U need some resources to let u know your rights and what a court/or parent can do…Uniform Child Custody Jursidiction Enforcement Act. Check it out! You will know what you can do to protect your children and yourself.
John 01.18.12 at 12:23 pm
This past Friday evening, I received an ‘Abuse Prevention Order’. Our house was empty, my wife had picked up the kids at school and taken them with her. The police came, gave me the ‘order’, and told me I had to gather a bag, put some personal items into it, and leave the premises immediately. Also, not to go within 100 yards of the house or her workplace. Furthermore, I was not to have ‘any’ type of contact with my 3 children. On top of this, a ‘server’ came and served me divorce papers. My wife had our one car (which is under my name). I had to walk away with my bag, no car, no place to go.
The first hearing, w.r.t. the children, is tomorrow, the 19th of January. I cannot afford a lawyer. I tried to get one pro-bono, but they said the legal adviser at the courthouse said that if I were a woman, I could get help, but as a man, it was nearly impossible in a civil suit.
My wife has a number of mental health issues. She is on anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. Furthermore, she has alleged that there has been some impropriety between myself and my daughter.
I don’t know how to proceed. What will I be asked. Should I challenge my wife on everything? Should I bring up the mental health issues? I don’t want the children to be made wards of the state. If I show her to be incompetent, there is no guarantee that her allegations will not have the judge figure it’s better to have the children in a foster home, then take the chance that her allegations are true (even though they are not)…I’m a confused and scared to lose my children.
Lastly, we moved to a new town about 5 months ago. Our combined income was enough to pay our expenses. However, we do not make enough separately…how will that play out in court w.r.t. custody?
John