Divorce is not only devastating to the couple who is going through with it, but it is also hard on the children. You as the soon-to-be divorce parents can help your children understand the process of divorce. This honesty will be most appreciate by your children in years to come. You need to choose your words carefully when attempting to tell your children about the split of your union, however, and be prepared for a wide range of reactions from them.
The best way to break the news of your divorce to your children is by doing so in an honest manner, yet also in a way that will consider their feelings. In order to do this, you will need to be prepared for however they may respond to the news. For instance, some children will become immediately sad, and will start to cry. Furthermore, they may wonder why, and ask if it is because they were “bad kids”. Other children, especially older ones, may react with anger, and perhaps wonder why you and their other parent just don’t “try harder”. Some may even begin over time to develop behavior problems such as withdrawing from social activities or committing vandalism. Others may skip school. This is not to scare you out of divorcing your husband or wife, but it makes you aware of what you may possibly encounter when dealing with your children during the process.
If you are as sensitive to your children’s feelings as possible, they will be less likely to act out later on. Furthermore, if you still show them affection, spend quality time with them, and tell them you love them as frequently as possible, they will in time understand that you are not abandoning them, but that you and their other parent will now be living apart and that you will not be married any more. Along with that, you will want to add that their dad will always be your children’s dad, and that the mom will always be the children’s mom-both parents getting divorced will still be in the children’s lives. The only exception, of course is when one parent is physically or sexually abusive. In this case, your child may agree with you that it is better not to ever see that person ever again.
Under normal circumstances in which the children are not severely abused, it is important for the parents to make sure that they do not talk bad about that child’s other parent. Not only that, but neither parent should expect that child to take the side of only one parent. Just because two adults who used to love each other decide not to be together any more does not mean that the child should be forced to take sides. Try to remain as positive as you can about your spouse, and make it clear to your children that it is okay that they still love their daddy or mommy.
You as the parents need to respect your children’s rights in most cases to love their parents. That should not be taken away from them, and if that is, except in the cases of extreme child abuse, usually that child can turn against you for trying to “keep you away” from the other parent. Never in any case should a child feel as though you refuse to let him or her see the other parent that they may not live with. It is important that you and your spouse try to get along as much as possible, even though you decide not to be married any more. If not for you, but for the sake of your children. Many people realize now it is not necessarily better to stay married “because of the children” however, the worst thing two parents can do is continue to fight and argue after the divorce.
When you tell your children about your divorce, it is recommended that you tell all your children together at one time, with you and your spouse together at that time, if you have more than one child. This may be a hard procedure for you and your spouse, especially if you have hurt feelings harbored up against one another. However, the both of you will need to do whatever it takes to be as civil and as calm as possible when breaking the news to your children. The best way to tell them is altogether, so they all hear the same information at the same time, and so you do not have to repeat the story more than one time. This will also reassure your children that you are not playing favorites, and will lesson any anxiety in them that you are keeping secrets from them.
You may also need to be prepared to keep your composure when they ask you questions such as the following:
- Where will I live?
- Will I be able to go to the same school?
- Don’t you love each other?
- Why can’t you work it out?
- Was it because I was a bad kid?
- What will my friends think?
- How will I be able to face my friends?
- What if people start talking about us?
- Where will my pets live?
- Who will go to my football games?
These are some pretty tough questions, but you may need to answer these and others as honestly as you can, as respectfully as you can. Also, if you do not have the answer to all these questions do not be afraid to tell them you don’t know, or that it is something that does not have to be decided right this moment. You can also encourage them that they are always welcome to talk to you about your divorce whenever they want. However, when they talk to you about it-or you talk to them-it is important to remember that they are the children, and you are the parent, and not the other way around. If you as either of the parents need to cry on a shoulder, hire a counselor go to a support group or talk to an adult friend. Try not to burden your child too much with your feelings. Chances are they will not be able to fully understand your feelings anyway. Instead, your job as parents is to make sure that you are there for them to help them understand their feelings, as you work with others who can help you understand yours.
Divorce is a difficult time in which to be able to be there for your children, however, do the best that you can. It will take time for you as parents to work through your feelings, and it will take that same amount of time for the children, or loner. However, do not fear that you have permanently damaged them because you decided to get divorced. They can heal from it just as much as you can, and are very resilient people. Besides, they may start to think of the positives of their parents not living anymore. For example, they may think of the less fighting, or the fact that they get to “get away” for a few days a week.
Nothing can ease the blow of divorce necessarily, however, everyone affected by it can receive the proper help and support and move on with their lives. Counselors are available not only for the adults, but also for the children, by the way. You may want to consider taking your child with you to an appointment, or scheduling one for them of their very own. A child psychologist can help children in a way that would be different from adults. Consider all your options when in the process of dealing with your children through this difficult stage in life.
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